In Utero

The thing is with our book is that it has no actual advice in it. In fact, it has anti-advice. It also doesn't talk about the birth itself, just the couple of years of aftermath. So I feel I should tackle the whole birth thing straight on.

In fact, I feel obliged to write a quick ready reckoner for all Mums to be to make up for the lack of advice in our book. Frankly, I don’t think any of those pregnancy books are telling it like it is. But don’t fear; we will.

Don't worry, friends, there are no photos of either of us crowning.

The following is to be viewed by those that are ready for the truth about childbirth or know first hand what it's like. If, like Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men, "you can’t handle the truth!!”, look away now and come back in a few days time. Or go and have a look at some fluffy hippy sites and read about how magical and spiritual it all is.

Midwives

People who work in maternity units do not spend all day waltzing about with bluebirds on their shoulders and going on about how amazing the miracle of childbirth is. This is their job and they sometimes get sick of finding bits of afterbirth in their hair after a shift. As you would.

Like any workplace there are good guys and there are wanks. There are people who love their job and there are people who hate their jobs. The good guys will help you through this rather challenging time in your life and make sure you are well cared for. Given a few choice narcotics, you may even tell some of them that you love them.

The wanks will ram a loaded meds tray through your ward door without opening it first and switch the strip lights on a mere five minutes after you have dropped off to sleep after fourteen hours of labour and a sleepless night with your new baby. If that doesn’t wake you then another wank will come round and inspect your torn perineum with cold hands. Bracing!

But on the whole midwives are nice ladies and their primary job is to stop doctors coming in and making you nervous.

Doctors

If a doctor comes in the room when you are labour it will be for one of three reasons:

1. You are in big trouble. Be worried.

2. They are students who will want to do unnecessary procedures on you and your unborn for “the practice”. Remember, the chances are these people are only four or five hours clear from mainlining tequila at a drinks promotion at the University Union.

Tell them to “Fuck off”. No really; use that phrase. You’re in labour, so people expect that kind of language to be coming from your mouth. Take advantage. These students are trained to handle it. And if they are not- be part of that training yourself! That’ll be the only “practice” they get from you.

3. They are lost.

Nastiness

Your undercarriage will be rent asunder like something out of a Quentin Tarantino film. I’m not going to lie to you. You may also poo and not notice. There you go, I bet Miriam Stoppard or Dr Spock don’t tell you that! Ahh... the beautiful miracle of the human body....Birth can be summarised as peeing, pooing, bleeding, swearing and crying in a room full of strangers. It differs from a bar-room brawl in only one respect- and that is, that a kid is present...eventually.

Your relationship

Your husband may find it difficult to look at you for a few days after the event. Mainly due to item the stuff I mentioned in Nastiness, but also because in the last 24 hours you’ve called him “The biggest, most useless twat that ever lived” just because he offered you a ice-cube. You’ve forgotten about it, but it might take him a wee bit longer; he didn’t get any pethadine, after all. Even though he asked for it repeatedly. 

But there are some points when to be honest you really do hate him. No it's not because he got you into this mess, it's because you can smell the cheeky chicken pie on his breath that he had whilst nipping out of the labour room pretending to make a phone-call to your parents to "let them know how it's all going". You've not been allowed to eat for hours. How could he DO this to you?

The sweep

If you aren’t going into full blown mega labour quickly enough they will suggest a membrane sweep.

This may sound like they run a little implement like a metal detector over you, or gently stroke your belly.

But no, it’s nothing like that. A nurse is going to stick her whole hand and fingers in your lady-bits and rummage around in there like she’s looking for a lost kirby grip in a massive handbag. Effectively, she is going to claw at your cervix roughly until your baby shouts, “Okay enough already! FFS, I’m coming!”

The sweep also never works. All it does is make you feel sick, sore and violated. I swear, the membrane sweep is worse than labour itself. Pregnant ladies, if offered a membrane sweep say, "No, I read this blog once that said it was tortuous unnecessary barbaric bollocks. So, I'll just politely decline, if it's all the same to you."

If I met the woman who swept my membrane tomorrow in the street, I’d instinctively cower away from her like I was a dog whom she had once mistreated. Or punch her square in the chops.

Getting your own way

You can say “no” to people in white coats. This is a well kept secret. In fact, they pretty much have to do anything you ask. No-one tells you this. This is because it will open a whole Pandora’s box of patients asserting themselves and the health service would fall to pieces. Old ladies know this, this is why no health professionals want to work in geriatric care.

However, in the heat of battle, you may forget what it is that you want. And you may also find that only swearing will fall out of your mouth whenever you do try to communicate.

This is why I advise all pregnant friends to get t-shirts printed with the following on them:

“Bring me the finest painkillers known to humanity.”

Then everyone is clear.

So that's it- pretty much the only advice you'll get from us!