A photo shoot- what a great gift for the pregnant lady! (Not)
When you get pregnant there are lots of things that happen to you that never even occurred to you. There’s the swelling of body parts other than your belly (fingers and toes, anyone?), the fact you can’t go a hour without eating a substantial meal, and the dreadful digestive problems you previously thought only elderly dogs suffered from.
However there’s something a lot of first time mums are going to find out about being pregnant (or indeed nursing) at Christmas time and that’s this: you will get crap Christmas presents this year.
Nobody knows what to buy a pregnant lady. You can’t buy them clothes because they are monster sized, sorry- what I mean is they are blooming and burgeoning and nothing will fit them-yes sometimes even shoes. You can’t even buy them maternity clothes as they will hurl them back at you with some added abuse. Booze is out for obvious reasons and anything fragranced is bound to make the super sensitive mum-to-be puke as soon as they catch a whiff of whatever soapy, moisturisey type cosmetic you’ve bought them.
So what’s left? Items for baby? Absolutely not. A great deal of parents are very superstitious about having baby items in their home until baby himself is actually here in the flesh. Furthermore, isn’t the gift supposed to be for the lady in question, not the unborn progeny inside her? His or her time will come...oh yes it will.
Now, obviously this is a slightly churlish post to come from two writers who have written a book that is possibly the BEST EVER Christmas gift you could give a new mum or a pregnant lady (Click here to make sure Santa Claus gets his order in good time), but all the same the question has to be asked. What the blazes do you buy a woman who can’t do any of the following things this Christmas:
- Drink alcohol
- Eat cheese/shellfish/raw eggs/pate
- Wear nice clothes
- Smell anything more pungent than fabric softener
- Stay awake for longer than a couple of hours at a time
Six years ago my sister and I were pregnant at the same time. She was three months ahead of me in gestation. We knew we would be a problem to buy for so we armed ourselves with a list of suggestions for those who were struggling. Some ignored the list. Yes, you know who you are. Some decided a good idea would be to buy us both a bottle of red wine. Presumably cos it’s healthy, init? What would have been less appropriate, I ask you? A soft cheeseboard? A voucher for a bungee jump? A boob tube? Roller skates? A unicycle?
I expect a full list of other terrible pregnant lady Christmas gifts to appear shortly in the comments box. C'mon ladies- name and shame! Who bought you Lionel Shriver's "We Need to Talk About Kevin" or a DVD of Roman Polanski's "Rosemary's Baby"?
Let’s do the relatives and friends of those pregnant or nursing ladies a favour and make a special Christmas list. Then we can send it on to those that we may think could go down the bottle of red wine route...or worse the cosy bedjacket/wooly socks route. What’s the ideal present for those with one in the oven?
Other than a copy of Cocktails at Naptime, that is. *Cough*